anguish

that part of me will always seem a little broken.

not enough napkins

today i came face to face with one of my own personal obstacles.
essentially, by choice.
i feel like i have impacted a select few people recently in not so positive ways,
people i even admit to love very much.
all of everything that has happened though, has happened for a reason.
some because i have made it happen, and some because i know it was bound to, and unstoppable.
every little negative thing has led me to open my eyes to something so bright and brilliant,
the only thing bigger is my smile.

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed.

my brain went to bed hours ago

what the f.
i just heard some of the strangest noises ever coming from outside.
needless to say, i live in oak park now.
so i guess the weird noises and people hastily backing in and out of driveways like madmen is to be expected.
i feel so tired right now but really it's because i am bored and stuck in this weird sleep pattern (thanks alex) where i stay up late, normally doing nothing if im at home, and sleep in real late.
there's an empty can of vitamin energy on my speaker that makes me want one real bad.
le sigh

i get that feeling

how do you get days like this?
i rode my bike straight into the rain.
i stopped and just looked up and it was one of the most invigorating moments i have had in a long time.
id have to say the last one i had before that was when elliott smith was playing and we turned it up as loud as we could.
and i had looked up at the sky and it was dark and i felt like i had reached a new high. just one of those dream-like moments when you hear a song you really like that means a lot to you, and then you realize that life is not exactly perfect but pretty damn close.
i need to get back to that point again.
i went to a wedding today and id have to say weddings are so sentimental to me, and really are inspiring. i cant wait until i get to share my day with the person i am destined to be with, i have it all planned out in my mind.

continuum

i like it when people choose to wear contacts for a very long time, and then when they finally decide to wear glasses they look entirely smart and sophisticated.

i would like to buy a dozen of the same blank shirt and jeans and try to mimic this disposition, wear them every day, and then one day just wear something really wild and stunning. i would like to light up a day with such contrast and development. i'd seem so out of line, out of my mind.

fantasy versus reality

A lot of things have crossed my mind recently. I really want to know if there is one person out there that knows everything about you, your likes and dislikes, interests, what to say and what not to say... and more importantly when to say it. I just want to know that someone out there like that actually exists. I feel like that would be the person I would be the happiest with forever. It would just be mind blowing to know that someone has paid that much attention to the fine details, and actually isn't like every other person that looks past them. I guess in reality, no one could be that perfect to know exactly what you want, when you want it. But fairy tales, movies and just fantasizing keeps me hoping, wondering, and wishing that maybe there is someone like that out there.

I am well beyond the obvious mind games, poking and prodding at one anothers feelings hoping you can squeeze something out that doesn't truly exist. But you want it to be there because the thought of one more person you had poured your feelings into and believed in has let you down... just isn't tolerable. Maybe you see that little bit of shining light in that person, those few little fine things you remember you liked about them, that just keep drawing you nearer. That is where I have found myself numerous times. It is just that feeling of not knowing when enough is enough, I guess you just know when you know. When you're honestly done. When your brain and your heart are just tired, and your whole body is just ready to collapse and throw in the towel. My brain and heart lack the intelligence to know when to stop, but make up for it with the capacity to just keep on going, forgiving, and hoping. Sometimes being as forgiving as I am... just isn't as great as you think it would be. People are just so complex that I feel it is nearly impossible to distinguish right from wrong. I just hope that some day someone will know everything there is to know about me. That is the kind of person that is worth keeping around.

I just hope everyone finds what they're looking for.

calm before the storm

I am currently sitting on my porch up north. Its really muggy and hot and I am feeling quite uncomfortable with my sunburn. So far the trip has been quite enjoyable. Nothing really surpasses laying on an intertube on a lake for hours at a time, just reflecting on your life and things that have seemed monumental. Soon we are going to drive to lake michigan and have a picnic, and then go to brownwood. I think I will buy some jams for my oma. They make these delicious strawberry jams right there in brownwood. I like to get the honey straws. They also make the best homemade lemonade. I am starting to get hungry so I suppose I will end this here.

the whole truth and nothing but the truth

so help me god. i have been writing a lot lately. the feeling is empowering when you write something that you are genuinely satisfied with. so lately besides thinking of things to write, i have thought about the direction my life is headed. i don't know what i want to be, where i want to be, who i want to be. but as i walked to the mailbox today i had a thought that maybe what i will be is just going to hit me one day, like destiny. maybe one day i will be out somewhere in some public place, and be asked to star in a movie and move to hollywood. hey, its possible. someone will find me as something more than just another face.

love letters and farewells

I wish that we still wrote love letters like they did back in the 1700's.


"Adieu - Dearest, most beloved little wife - Take care of your health - and don't think of walking into town. Do write and tell me how you like our new quarters - Adieu. I kiss you millions of times." - Mozart

How quaint.
I am lucky if I get an unpretentious goodnight, see you tomorrow.

I keep trying to stay awake long enough to read these long paragraphs but my eyes keep crossing and my head feels warm. I can't seem to figure out what he's getting out of this. Some people literally thrive off of ruining other people's happiness to keep themselves alive. It is really, really quite depressing. i let you in my life with more space than you deserved to occupy.