just saying.

(recently posted in a bulletin)

i was writing something worthwhile.
when i read it over again and it made me entirely sad,
and i asked myself "what am i doing?"
so i tucked it away in a word document and closed it for the time being.
i wonder if you know how lucky you are.

I used to like it here
It just burns me out to remember

Can't you ever treat anyone nice?
Think I'm gonna make the same mistake twice?

cause he gets up in the morning,
And he goes to work at nine,
And he comes back home at five-thirty,
Gets the same train every time.
cause his world is built round punctuality,
It never fails.

i am having one of my really motivational late nights, where three A.M. rolls around and all i feel like doing is cleaning and organizing. i got my room picked up in about five minutes, which is really impressive taking into consideration the amount of papers, junk, and dirty clothes that filled every inch. now tomorrow all i have to really do is vacuum and dust.

i sent some emails on a bunch of promising flats and apartments in the ferndale/royal oak area. i hope i get some hopeful replies tomorrow. i have also been researching cars like crazy. picking just one house, one car... that i’m stuck with for a long period of time doesn’t come easy to me. but then again i just get that feeling when the right one comes along.

i am more or less worried that financially things will go under. my dad is flaky about paying rent, one month he is completely fine with it and accepts it for what it is, and the next he decides its about time to guilt trip me for no real reason what so ever. because either way, he’d be paying for a dorm or a place for me to live anyhow. so i really don’t see how this is different, from what i hear it is actually more affordable.

i am going to go make my bed, crawl in it and hope to get a good sleep in. i love knowing i have the day off tomorrow, and no plans until around 5. that means i get to wake up at my leisure, make coffee, and just chill out.

i love those mornings by myself.

i think my phone is really broken or haunted or both at the same time. therese texted me "howdy partner" at like 10 this morning, i have gotten that same text like 15 times randomly throughout the day... one including just now. and i know she went to bed hours ago.

it's starting to get annoying and actually kind of freak me out.

tired

today turned out to be alright.
my alarm was especially loud and obnoxious at 8:00 this morning.
i got up and went out to drive for ninety minutes.
the instructor that took me out was pretty good.
he was wise and balding, we talked about cats a lot and how we both share bad backs.
after that, frankye danni, my mom and i went to the library.
i got a few good books to read up north;
the tao of pooh, american nerd, victorian age in literature, perfect hair everyday, american photography, and finally the mane thing.

exciting.

cold dry air

I am writing this from my bed.

Today was exciting. I went to a bakery party with brandon in ferndale, and when we got there we couldn't figure out if we had the right house, and b was second guessing himself about the date. That was one of the funniest things, standing on this porch on Pearson poking fun at each other. "just go in." "no let's just go to the car and get the paper" then finally b got the guts to just walk in.

I have this issue with my nose being all congested when I wake up, and it runs and runs all day and really irritates my throat.

I am sleeping at my grandmas tonight. In my old room which is not at all my room anymore but its hard to say it ever was. I could never really get creative with it though looking back I understand my mummas intentions.

cravings

i really need some chocolate.
there is none in this house.

evening rant

I don't know what it is about me lately that seems slightly irrational. I feel uneven, antsy like i need to just get up and go go go.
I need to change housing. I need to change this and that.
Maybe I feel like I need to change because the things that need to change around me, aren't.
consequently i just change things within myself.
which could be either a good thing or a bad thing.
Nevertheless I have been cleaning and going through my things and trying to let go of stuff I have held on to for so long.
I am tired of the clutter in my room and when I move again I want to have just the basics.
I am really going to start reading again.
Seriously buying a book every time I finish one, and just reading it every night.

ugh

i hate living here with my aunt. she has issues with everything i do, how long it takes me to do it, how i do it.
now she's complaining because she's been in the bathroom for an hour, and i finally said i had to shower before work and she's all like "no because i have to do my hair and you take too long in the bathroom. dear god."
so what if it takes me 45 min to shower, dry my hair and curl it.
i am paying for the stupid bathroom.
not to mention she literally comes in my room when I am IN it... doing something... and turns my light off.
and when i say turn it back on she says "no because youre wasting electricity" when I am actually using it.
then... she leaves the television in the living room on and goes to take a shower.
that isn't wasteful?

as well as

i am dreading going back to school.
i feel like it will be hard for me, carrying all of the responsibilities that i currently have, to maintain the grade point that i want.
i just hope it isn't too stressful, considering i have to make sure i work enough to cover rent, food, and whatever else i may need/want.
yet i will need to make time to take lots of photos and dwell in the darkroom for as long as possible.
and of course, the conflicting schedules with friends and b.
i am also looking for a new place to live.
either way i'm sure things will work out.

summer bummer

i am missing one of my favorite shirts.
i am just hoping i didn't leave it somewhere, like up north.
well i guess there isn't too much i can do about this now is there?
besides keep looking and hoping it will turn up.

short prose

so sarah is gone to tawas and i am wondering if i will see her soon after she gets back,
albeit i haven't seen her in two or three months which if you ask me is just a ridiculous amount of time to go without seeing your best friend since first grade.
thus i have been spending most of my time with erin going to value world and almost every time spending 15 dollars on scarves, shirts, knick-knacks and vintage one-piece outfits. the jumper/one-piece i got was only .90 cents, but i think the bottom where the shorts meet the top is too baggy.
i wonder if this can be fixed?
also i am disappointed that every time i make plans with t they almost always, nine times out of ten fall through.
i can't wait to drive. if i had my license i think i'd generally be a much happier person,
and go exploring to all of these places i have on this list.
august thirteenth will be a glorious day for me, as i will be waking up at 8 am to drive for ninety minutes with an instructor.
i feel like i am well on my way!

distractions

so today i noticed that i dip just about everything in hommus.

it's not that i don't want you to have your freedoms and feel at home,
it's that i have to respect my own family.
and you're making it more hard and stressful on me,
not on anyone else.
i wish you would see past yourself for a second.
and just take some of the weight off of me.
but no, how you think and feel is always more important.
alas, i am often left feeling pissed off and stressed out because i am torn between two people i love,
and there is nothing i can do about my situation.